Cynful_Intent is the alter ego of Vincent. A big ripe pimple on the ass of society, currently based in South Africa. What lies before you is the epic adventures of a lone man on his quest for world peace and a decent sandwich. Come on in, soon it will be a cult. welcome to the church of cynful... (insert evil laugh here)

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The reality of the last supper

So I’m about to write a blog that going to piss off most, but who cares.

I was watching the food channel the other night, channel hopping okay. At least it wasn’t that snooze fest Hallmark…wtf is that about?

So I’m thinking, the Last Supper, that fateful meal when the 12 disciples and their head honcho went out for a kind of farewell meal. Now what’s led me more to think about this is that great comedian, Eddie Izzard. He mentioned in one of his shows that Jesus was probably a really cool bloke with some amazing ideas and had a following. Just this really hippy like kind of character that made a lot of sense and that pissed the Romans off.
I’m not a very religious person, but that theory makes sense. He was probably one of the great thinkers and started some form of revolution that upset those in charge that they thought they’d get rid of him. Think about it, its not blasphemous, it’s a realistic way of looking at things. So I reckon he did exist, but over the years those miracle things have been thrown in there. (If you are getting angry now cause of my opinion, stop reading – it gets worse.)

Right, so I’ve warned you, so you have no reason to post a message after this telling me how evil I am. You can’t write anything related to me burning in hell or whatever is supposed to happen when you die. (Hopefully I haunt a girl’s high school – Casper the Horny ghost)

Now if we take into account that Jesus was this cool 20 something revolutionary, the disciples must have been a pretty cool bunch too. I mean they were all mates hanging out. Spreading their message, join us…you’ll go places kind of thing. (Just sipping my spice gold – num)
So they hang out, and do shit that 20 year olds would… probably hit Jerusalem and went to a couple clubs the first night in town. Obviously getting the VIP lounge, cause they were pretty big then. DJ Mustafah is dropping the beats and they are having a blast. Not too late though cause they have a meeting tomorrow with a few million people. So that’s the kind of scenario I’m thinking.

So, opening scene… hottest Restaurant in town, the boys and Jesus have gotten together for a farewell meal. A couple of the guys have a sneaky suspicion that Judas bloke has bust them, but they are keeping it on the downlow. We’re all mates here, let’s just have drink and show our mate JC all is well. So before the meals come out, old Matthew gets everyone a shot of water. JC steps up to the plate and with one quick move…BAM! Tequila. I think if it wasn’t for the Romans, Jesus should have gotten into catering. The guy didn’t need a truck for anything, that shit just rained out the sky. So they order some starters, shit no garlic bread, alright just some bread. JC starts handing it out. (In the “great book” it says he said this was of his body…. Hmmmm) Paul and Peter are chatting up the hot belly dancer in the corner. Judas seems troubled and Luke uses the force…shit wrong story…. Luke orders another round of water.

So the drinks are flowing, they break into a couple songs. Paul and John hook up with two band members, George and Ringo and Jam a little… “Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away….” It’s a great party. JC is saying all sorts of shit, really deep stuff. It blows that the whole ride has come to an end, in the corner the three wise guys have stopped by, Frankie, Vinnie and Falco. Can’t stay long though, got a deal going down at the Dead Sea harbour.

Simon and his brother Andrew go outside for a smoke, pain in the ass since the bloody Romans brought that smoking policy into place. Just cause that Pontius Pilot reckons its bad for you…wanker. I mean you go out, get some smoke and have to carry this stone table with a surgeon generals warning: smoking kills. So do the Romans bastard, where’s that warning. Last week some mate of their’s was caught speeding in his new chariot and they fed him to the lions… Shit that was a nice chariot though, low profile, great mags and 5 horse power…sweeet.

By this time Matthew is in the bathroom bringing up the last Jager bomb, second wind is coming.

The evening winds down, they all start chilling out. Here’s my question, who was the poor bloke that reckoned “Should we get the bill?” plus, did they all chip in? Did they make Jesus pay his share? Judas could have covered it seeing as he had just come into some money?

These are merely thoughts, my impressions of what could have gone down. I think the reason I’ve written this is to piss some people off. But have I really said anything evil? Really?

I’ll leave it at that for now.
Coming soon… Shakespeare was taking the piss.
Hehehe. First the Christians, now the cultured. Cynful is taking over the world.

Till next time,

Cynful out.

Article reproduced withpermission from TashiTagg.com

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Doggy Style

A guy I work with sent me this news story today :

Stockton-on-Tees - British police are hunting two thieves after one stole a purse from an elderly woman while his accomplice pretended to be a dog.Police say it was one of the most unusual distraction burglaries they've ever encountered.The two men barged into a house owned by a brother and sister in their nineties just after midday on Saturday, reports local ITV news.One of the thieves then dropped to his knees and started to bark like a dog and crawl around on all fours.Police say while the shocked 90-year-old woman and her brother, 93, looked on in disbelief, the second man grabbed the woman's purse and the pair ran off.

Now, do we commend the thieves? Or take the piss out of the old people. (ooohhh there’s another blog I could do)

The article got me thinking, cause I do that ya know….often.
What if we as humans lived our lives like dogs? That every element was doglike. I mean we still spoke but had all their physical ways. No I don’t mean like walking on all fours… knew a girl like that once, niiice. Lol

Let me get right into it so it makes more sense,


It’s a Friday night, you, the coolest dude this side of Texas, are hitting the club. You walk in and there are bitches (don’t freak I’m comparing it to dogs – hehe) everywhere. A couple of them are on heat, bonus!!!! So you eye one out, she’s the one you want, yeah her, the one sniffing her friends arse. So you stroll over, panting, full of pure passion. There’s no exchange of numbers, no ‘can I buy you a drink’ or no one-liners. You simply piss on her handbag. Chicks yours!
How cool would that be?!! How simple would that be?!! In one simple move this girl knows your name, where you’ve been, your number the works.

It gets better, you’ve just marked your territory, now no one can have her – but wait some pit-bull mofo wants a piece of the action!!! You stare each other down, walking in a circle… slowly the drool seeps out your mouth, he’s foaming, shit one of those rabies bastards – how did he get in? You know you’ve had your shots, except for those worms last weekend you’re alright. The anger intensifies, he makes his move, you counter act jumping on him and ripping his throat out. Dudes dead…back to chick.

So its time to get your freak on, every time she turns her back you attempt to mount her…. Damn missed…okay one more time… she growls, affectionately. Bam, you're working her like a part time job*. Something goes wrong, suddenly the two of you are stuck together…ass on ass. The bouncer has to throw cold water on you to get you apart. Whew…. 10mins in. it’s going to be a good night.

So that’s one of my theories, makes sense?


Living like dogs do would be such a breeze. Imagine you and your partner a casual stroll in the park, you crouch down take a dump and move on. Now and again, you cock your leg on a tree, always helpful in case you get lost. There may be one downside here, I mean if you are maybe having a nice chat and really enjoying it she suddenly bolts cause some arsehole threw a Frisbee and her names on it. Later in the evenings you sit in the garden and howl to the moon, maybe another dump?

You go to a job interview, there’s no CV, no uncomfortable scenarios answering questions we all lie to. (you know its you!!) no, you simply walk in and the entire board of directors sniffs your arse.
Another scenario, sitting in the office, you get an itch on you posterior. Simply sit on the floor, lift both your legs, place your palms on the ground and drag your arse till it’s sorted. Beautiful!!!
No one bats an eyelid.



Yes folks I know, so sad we don’t lead an existence like this, there would be no wars, borders would simple consist of a long line of urine. Cross it at your peril. Excitement at a rugby or football (the better sport) would be portrayed by humping the nearest chair leg.

Last but not least, and you have to love me for this…. Self cleaning.
I’d have the cleanest willy in the world…bwahahahaha.

All this talk reminded me of a joke I once told…goes like this :

A 5-year-old girl is outside in the garden playing with her dog. It’s a beautiful day. The local priest happens to walk by and notices this wonderful image of innocence.
“Hello young lady”, he says
“Hello Father” the young girl replies, her curly locks gently moving with the breeze.
“What’s your name?”
“My name’s Rosemary”, she replies, excited that this big person is taking an interest.
“And why is that your name” he asks, his wrinkles forming the charming smile on his face
“Well, when I was in mummy’s tummy she was going to call me Mary, after the Virgin Mary”
The priest smiles, somewhat proud of this young girl’s knowledge of her religion
“But then a rose petal blew on to her and she called me Rosemary” She replied
“That’s a lovely name, and a lovely story my girl. Tell me what is your little doggies name” He asks, the little dog curiously staring up.
“Oh his names piggy.” The young girl says.
“Oh, is that because he has a curly wurly little tail?”
“No he fucks pigs”

hahaha, love it.
Quick foot note :
*thanks for the part time job description, you know who you are

Later kids.
Think I should start making this a weekly thing. Might burn out soon.

Cynful out!

Article reproduced withpermission from TashiTagg.com

Psychics know I’m writing this

I think astrology is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. People reading stars every day, people on dating certain star signs. Fortune tellers telling you what’s going to happen, psychics know all…what crap.
All this, are you Libra? Are you Aries? Scorpio ? What shit.

I’m lesbian, if you are wondering.

So I get to thinking, (if you’re a psychic I guess you don’t have to read any further? – dipshit)… why is it people fall for this stuff? False hope? Goals? What?

My big sister was into tarot cards for sometime, she predicted I would write this blog… no seriously though, she would practice on me, following a book of instructions and predicting things that would happen. I’m still waiting to fail matric, own a cabriolet and cure a disease. Bloody cards.

I even went to a fortune teller once, a friend of a friend recommended it. So I figured let me see if this is all true, cause I am open to hear other opinions even if it’s from some old lady in a caravan. ---- Mind you, you know when you see those caravans on the side of the road advertising fortune teller, there’s never a car is there? Now that’s freaky!!!! Do they have levitation skills too? Like some sort of magic caravan that drives itself? Hmmmm.
So anyway, I’m told to make an appointment with the psychic. Bam! In kicks doubt already. Think about it, if this psychic person, this sooth sayer, this teller of fortunes is any good, surely she knows I’m coming? Really? Why on earth would a fortune teller need an appointment book?
If they were as sightful as they make out, they would get out of bed in the morning… “ooh.. I’ll give it another 5 mins, there’s going to be an accident on the M1” (no that’s not a good example, cause she could fly over it in her magical caravan couldn’t she? )
Let’s try again,
“I think I’ll only have lunch at five past one today, as I believe I will have a client running late, must stay away from the wimpy as they will be burning down at about one thirty. This evening I will stub my toe on the step….hmmm…what to say? Fuck! Shit!? Hmmmm”

I mean it makes sense doesn’t it… hold on someone at door….

Right back, was a bunch of people at the front door in capes chanting “weee knooooowww whattt you’re writtttingggg”…freaks

Where was I ? Oh yeah…. So I go to the psychic. It was so predictable…does that mean I have a gift? She asks me…
“do you know a Capricorn?”
“No”
“An aries?”
No
“A virgo?”
“No”
“A Libran?”
“No” (never been to Libya anyway – sheesh!!)
“A scorpio”
“Yes”
“Okay, there is a scorpio in your life”
No shit chick I just told you.

So it goes on like this, stating the obvious, you have a friend that has troubles. I think we all do. Everyone has a problem at sometime, you’re bound to have a mate with some issues. I do anyway. I know my one friend has been battling to hide his victims in his back yard for weeks now, I’d offer but as you know my garden is in a bit of a state…
Back to the wicked witch… Then I’m told I’m going to meet someone that fits me like a glove. Don’t we all meet someone, and at that very point in time everything about that person fits? Isn’t it a common thing to happen or am I being petty?
So she mentions a load of other shit. At one point I ask her a question…her head tilts back, whites of her eyes show and she goes exorcist like on my ass. That freaked me out, was she seeing the future or having an epileptic fit? And if she was having a fit, she must have known it was going to happen… I’m confused.
So I leave, I’m thinking…WTF?!! Chick if you wanted to convince me, tell me what colour my boxer shorts are…. Tell me if George Lucas will ever make another star wars (that’s another point, how come none of the fortune tellers didn’t know Vader was Luke’s Dad? How come that Nostradamus bloke didn’t mention it? – makes you think hey?)
She didn’t even give me the lotto numbers?!!! How come she isn’t a millionaire from winning the lotto either? Why doesn’t she play the stock market? Why doesn’t she play the horses? Why am I asking so many questions?!!

If they were the real thing they could make a fortune!! Life insurance companies could hire them. Amazing sales… “Hello Mr Haywood, I think you should take out this policy as you will be taken out by a bus in August this year” brilliant!!!
They could predict profit for the next ten years for companies, tell banks who’s not going to pay back the loan, shit you could be black listed before you were born. You would have repo men coming into the maternity ward claiming your incubator cause in 21 years you are not going to make payment on that plasma screen. None of that is happening is it?

Then how about Stars in the news paper or Magazines… wouldn’t they all be saying the same kind of thing? No. One says, a change of career lies in the cards, travel over water is eminent because venus is in line with your anus. Then the next magazine says, don’t make any rash decisions or travel. Now if you are a strong believer what do you do? “Hey I got a job offer, but it’s over seas, woohoo that woman in the YOU magazine was so right! What’s this, in the people magazine…. Don’t travel over water?! Great, now I’m fucked!!”
Also, I’ve heard its bad luck to read old stars, the reason you are told that is so you don’t look back and realize what shit they were talking about.

I think I’ve ranted a little bit on this so I’ll stop here.

Not trying to piss anyone off, I know there are some of you out there who really believe in this. Your prerogative, I think you’re stupid. Hahaha, sorry only joking.

I was going to write about tree huggers and spirituality in this blog but maybe I should leave that for another day… besides, your gods will warn you about me…hehe.

One last interesting point, I was looking up some of Nostradamuseseses (what’s the frikin spelling?!!) so called predictions and I found this one

Much evil shadows the land
Evil from the east and west devours the innocent
Defeating shall be hard
Solutions lie in cynfuls blog

So it must be true!!!!!!

Be good!!!

Cynful out!

Microsoft killed my parents

I have great parents, they know their shit. When ever I’m in dire straits they are there for me. With all of us, me and my sisters. I value their advice because they have life skills, been around a while and have many experiences. Except technology.

Not just computers, but everything from TV’s, sound systems, CD shuttles and remote controls. Thing is I could really rip them off in this blog as I have it under good authority that they will never find it – even if I sent a link in big Arial 36 red font that said click here, yeah they have email. I set them up at home sometime ago to stay in touch with my sisters in Manchester and Toronto. About to get a webcam up and running, if they upgrade from dial up. (Last year MWEB didn’t sell one dial up package, I think they were the last ones)

So… the ideas for this came up over xmas, just various things they said or did made me think of their non tech savvy ways.

Outside the house they have a fantastic porch by the pool, really cool to chill and have a drink. The xmas weekend I arrives at their house and there was this weird metallic looking thing in the middle of the table on the porch. I realized it was hooked up to some digital display in the house that displayed the time and the temperature where ever the metallic thing was placed. I could see it also worked via infra red. So I thought I would be a little sarcastic with my mom, goes like this :
“So what’s this for?”
“Oh it’s to tell the temperature outside, comes up on that clock on the wall unit”
“Oh.. Is it 3G or Bluetooth?”
“No it’s from Germany”

Bwahahaha, shame. But that’s just the start of it. (Just in case they do end up on this site – Love ya!!!)

In the lounge they have a little music system. JVC, very straight forward. Also, in the UK, the daily papers like “The Sun” or “Daily Mirror” come with a free CD each week. Normally some 60’s or 70’s stuff. (Actually has some really cool tracks on it). Anyway, for some reason my dad reckons they are copies. So he assumes the position of resident DJ xmas eve. Dad MC is dropping the beats through the course of the evening. However, ever 15 seconds the track skips. It’s quite funny, my dad is very passionate about his music, so when he’s about to break into chorus, it kind of goes into a Stuttering epileptic remix. But my dad, bless him, starts it again…. Example, Status Quo :
:”a here we are a here we are and here we gooo, gooo, gooo, gooo, gooo, gooo, g, g, g, g, goooo, gooo, gooo, gooo, gooo, gooo, goooo, g ,g ,g ,g ,g” not to be perturbed, he starts it again. (Must mention here, that after a couple beers he seems to be able to sing along to the skipping) So the evening progresses with my dad remix ing every classic track made it other decades and playing them 54 time each – cause maybe just maybe its gonna work this time. Eventually there are a pile of rejected CDs. Now none of them have been played, they aren’t damaged… so it has to be a problem with the cd player…right? Nope.
Now remember it’s a JVC soundsytem, a very well known brand. My mom walks in…here’s the conversation:
“Pete, why do they keep jumping?”
“I think its cause it’s a JCV, they don’t play copies”
Now during the course of my dad scratching the decks, my mom is in the living room with the older HIFI and is attempting to get her ABBA’s greatest hits vinyl to play. Every year she plays “Happy New year” “Super Trooper” and “The way old friends do” compliments of those great Swedes. Oh yeah, every year I either destroy or hide the xmas boney M cd but it manages to come though… (Boney M is the Anti Christ) Anyway, the turntable on the hifi has no power coming through and my mom is getting rather upset cause it tradition to play these songs. My dad steps up to the plate. First he turns it around, in the meantime I ask him if it’s a JCV model…hehehe, have no idea what’s at the back but I leave him to it. Next he starts pressing buttons, randomly; the last button he hits is the Tuner mode button. 5fm comes on and my dad looks at me with great pride that he’s fixed it. Me realizing that Abba never did write songs that sell car insurance, but I don’t want to ruin the moment. He walks off, to go back to his current project… I think it was combining a hip hop beat into Mull of Kintyre. Dad in the HOuuuse!!!

I decide to throw in an experiment during the course of the evening, :
I take every cellphone, every calculator and every remote control I can get my hands on and put them on the coffee table.
Mom walks in :
“Can I get you a cup of tea Vin?”
“No thanks, can you just change the channel for me”
Looks at various objects with buttons…
“er…feck” (she’s Irish)

I think she attempted to change but ended up calling the Ugandan Embassy in Poland and working out PI.

Oh yeah, I bring in the PS2 and decide to plug in Singstar 80’s. Great game if you ever want to have a party. So they are getting into this…. But really. The lounge is now a stadium and they are performing. Mom’s chuffed, one of the songs to choose is “Simply The Best- Tina Turner”… I put it in Duet Mode so they can sing together, and they are really enjoying it. My dad was having a great time, till he realized the playstation doesn’t take requests. Four times he asks me for a certain song, each time I told him …they are preset on the CD. He goes back to his DJ career cause SingStar is crap.

When I first set them up on the net It was simply because of email. There was no way they would be surfing left right and centre. So I typed up a doc, even named the icons, this one to dial up, this one to start outlook. My dad calls me one night, he’s writing to his eldest daughter…
“Alright Vin, I’m writing to Soph and I need to send it now”
“Okay, do you see where it says To?”
“er… yeah”
“Click in there”
“With the mouse?”
“Yes”
“Okay, done it”
“Now type Sophie”
“S-O-P-H-I-E”
“@”
“H-A-T” (Being British I suppose he has the occasional silent H”

the mail did eventually go out.
So now my dad hear’s about Google Earth. For those of you that aren’t too clued up on it, its simply a bunch of Satellite pics that allow you to zoom in and see your house or workplace. Pretty cool. Nothing fantastic.
“Vin”
“yeah dad”
“Can you help me with googly”

Also they both think that they can zoom into my sisters place in Manchester and watch the kids play. Maybe one day…hehe.

Lastly my Dad and voice mail, I love it. I think I purposely don’t answer his calls so I can get the voicemails. For some reason he thinks he’s on a CB radio.
“Vin, it’s your dad, it’s your dad Vin. Will phone you later, it’s your dad, WILL PHONE YOU LATER”
hehehe.

So that’s a little intro to the folks at home, maybe you didn’t find it funny but it cracks me up.
Love em to bits.

Just so you know, my dad is in Ibiza next week rippin it up for y’all.

Be strong my disciples, I know its Monday, but don’t let the bastards drag you down.

Article reproduced withpermission from TashiTagg.com

Yes, you asked....more Porn!!!

So…. My second one.
What to do what to do.
Did you click that second link on the last posting? Bet that songs still in your head right now!! Hahaha.

So The first Friday of 2006, I’m bushed. (Hold on…there is this fly from hell attacking me….)
K, back.

Left work a little earlier then normal today, went downstairs and had me an ice cold Spice Gold… .God ,Mothers milk that.

Was talking to some people at work today (we tend to do that- seems the right thing to do) and one of my colleagues was talking about buying a pc from Lubners (Jesas Fly Piss off!!!!) Maybe I’m stupid but I was quite amazed that Lubners sells PC’s now, at quite reasonable prices. Anyway, so I turn around to one of the ladies that works there and say “Shit I didn’t know Lubners sells PC’s”
“Yes well they are the greatest.”
That cracked me up…. Hahaha…. Why aren’t you laughing? That’s classic shit man…
So not to be out done, I turn to the dude and say I can get you a better price at Joshua Doore’s. Like clock work he says “How” I reply “I’ve got an Uncle there”
Bwahahahaha, why am I the only one laughing here? Then all sorts of crap was coming out…. Mentioning that he should go to bears cause they really care about you or Morkels, you get a 2 year guarantee man!!! (What ever happened to that fashion Icon of a woman btw?) Let me do a search…..

Right it says here on Google she knows growing rubber trees in Australia likes sex with strangers and has a phobia for wooden furniture.

Anyway, so my colleague phone Lubbers to get a spec on the PC…. Apparently it comes with a keyboard and mouse…that is wikid!!!! I mean I find that typing up word docs always goes a lot faster when using a keyboard… you agree? And the mouse option, that’s top of the range shit right there…
I think the entry level PC is a Black and white TV, a marker and 5 liters of tipex. Sweeet!

Moving on. Trying to write this quickly cause I need to got to the Spar… hope it’s a friendly one….bwahahahaha I’m doing it again.

Today’s blog is actually a load of crap, I’m about to go out. There is no way I’m spending a Friday night writing up a blog… n

I’ve got all this cool shit I want to talk to you people about, drew up a spread sheet today with article ideas… blogging is cool.
So hopefully this weekend I write up something so profound you forget all other blogs and hang here… it’s the right thing to do. It’s the right thing to do.

So kids, on that brief note, have a good weekend, catch ya soon.
When in doubt, just ask yourself “What would Chuck do?”

Article reproduced with permission from TashiTagg.com

My Amazon and the giant mountain of washing

Okay, before I get started this whole blog is probably going to make me sound very colonial…or lazy for that matter.

Come December many of us put stuff on hold. Be it to go on holiday, take a break at home, stop working or say goodbye to the Domestic or gardener (how politically correct was that?!)

It’s the latter I thought I would talk about.
First off, the Gardner… I kind of forgot that he would be off for a few weeks, that’s till I got home and was knocked over by the Silver Back Gorilla that came out from my grass….
I suddenly thought something was up, yes I had a jungle and somewhere in there was my house and various species of animal. As I write this in the loft of my house I can see the tips of grass at my window. One cool feature is sometimes if I’m lucky I get to see a kill, very rare in a complex in Johannesburg. Also I’ve met some very interesting people, a night game drive came through earlier this evening. Really nice folks those tourists.

Plus, poor old Ozzy (my dog as you may know) when its time to go do his business he’s gone for 3 weeks at a time. You know your garden is out of control when your pet dog packs a machete to take a dump…



Then theres the washing, ironing, floor cleaning aspect of things. I hate them as well. When My sisters and I were young there was a time table to do dishes after dinner. (I know by now you are totally in shock be the terrible Childhood I’ve come from – Saturday Lawn mowing and nightly dish washing, its okay. I was strong – I’m a better person now)
So before Martha, the domestic, left for her holiday I planned this shit all out! Clothes can be chemically treated to smell nice. Axe deodorant covers most signs of non cleaning – doesn’t remove stains though. Wearing socks in the house should keep the floor clean. And a small investment in paper plates should keep the sink empty.
Nope, don’t work like that. Look, on the bright side my house could become a great tourist attraction, an exciting jungle outside and an indoor mountain for the adventurous. I didn’t realize I went though so many clothes!!! Shit. The paper plate thing, didn’t get round to it, figured I could eat, then wash up everything afterwards. Problem is I tend to use every utensil in the house for a simple meal. I made toast as a snack the first night, ended up using two pots, 4 plates, 17 knives and a meat tenderizer. Toast was nice though.
Floors… who the hell invented floors?!!! They are so impractical! I mean you buy your house and there’s this big empty flat thing that you have to fill with furniture. I hate floors, I really hate floors. I forgot to take into account that with all this rain Ozzy is going to bring home some of the garden from his many expeditions. So now I hate mops. I hate everything that has to do with mops. (lot of anger here). In our day and age we have the most amazing technology, nearly monthly there are amazing inventions that better our lives. But invent a mop that actually performs it function? Noooooo. And that “one Step” floor polish?!!! WTF?!! It’s at least 107 steps to get the bucket filled. If I see an advert again with some woman that simply pours the stuff on her floor and has it looking like marble I will hunt that bitch down!!!

Okay, I’ve had my say. Martha is back on Tuesday and I think I’m going to propose to her. I’m going to make her my wife so that I don’t have to go through this hell again. Second to that I’m removing my floor. Thirdly, I’m cementing the garden.


In conclusion I thought I would give an update on the New Year Resolutions,

Stop Smoking :
Shit I’m having one as we type this, but Monday…er…

Gym routine :
Monday I’m back, did pack clothes for Friday (burnt some fat doing so) prepped the supplements, progress

Buy a new car
Need to increase popularity on this blog…money people….focus!

Meet a woman with less than 2 personalities
One or two responses, but can only visit them on Tuesdays. Normally have shock therapy the rest of the week

Ozzy and the walks
We were out Friday morning. But with the expeditions in the garden he tends to be a little tired

Scuba Diving
Looked up stuff on the internet. Plus had a really deep bath the other night.

Graphic Novel
Characters are coming together nicely, did some work on the Novel logo. Have a basic story line. (needs plot twists)

Hobbies
I’ve taken up blogging. Hehe

Sites up and running
Everything is gonna run in the US, so I’ve registered an address out there, opening a US bank account this week then purchasing the hosting.

Travel More
In time. Think I may be in Mozambique end of this month…woohoo

Time management
Will elaborate later, running late right now.


Hopefully get my PDA back from repair next week, broke it when I fell down the stairs after about 22 Jager Bombs. (I didn’t drink them, it was the bloke that pushed that did) So with my PDA I’ll be writing up a storm every chance I get so I can educate you more. How cool am I?

That’s it for now kids, y’all come back y’hear.
Hope you all have a great week, take no shit from anyone. Eat your veggies and read my blog.
Some links for you to check out :

http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html this cracks me up!!!
http://www.neave.com/games/pacman/game.php


Cynful out!!!
P.s - the first blog, with the title "Loads of Porn pics in here" has at this point had 229 views... so either I'm a fantastic writer or its simply the lure of "tits n ass" hahaha
.

Article reproduced withpermission from TashiTagg.com

Loads of Porn pics in here

K, if your reading this, the title worked

I created this blog four hours ago and couldn't think of a thing to write - always a good thing when starting a blog - don't get me wrong, all day I've had these great subject matters to talk about, yet when faced with a form field I drew blank....

Thats till I took a shower....

No I'm not about to go on about my adonis like body and how the water droplets conform to each rippling muscle, or how the soap glides off my tanned skin... (thats another blog)

I was thinking about that crap New Years resolutions. and what better way to start off my 'chronicles' then speaking about them?

Now under normal circumstances i wouldn't normally make 'em, never stick to it and normally spend December moaning about how I didn't achieve them... But Wait!!! This blog could be my motivation to stick to them, hmmmmm..... this could be a sort of reality new years resolutions blog. (with the occasional opinion on other subject matter of course)

so what I'm going to do is put them down here and see how they progress, I mean if there are a certain amount of you reading this, you could motivate me - right?

Here goes :
1.) Stop smoking
Yes I know its the most common of resolutions, but I need to get it out of the way. I've tried various methods, patches - very hard to light I must add. Even read that Alan Carr book but found myself tearing out the pages to roll a fat one. Alas. Yeah I know its a poison and I'm really doing damage, but its soooo nice.

2. Stick to a gym routine
Did you know supplement companies know the average Joe (or Thomas - if thats your name) has a gym cycle of 3 months. Thats what they target in order to sell their products. Quick fixes.... i fall in to that category, I have this great goal, three months down the line I lose interest. So i think what I'll do is put up a before pic....actually no, this blog is another tool in picking up chicks. we'll see. Basically I want to stick at gym and get the results I want. Once they are achieved I'll consider the before and afters. (A little concerned with the female readers falling in love with me... Blog groupies - Nice)

3. Buy a new car [
this is where you come in, click the shit out of my blog link and I can sell advertising, get me nice banner in here somewhere and we are good to go. I'm thinking of a nice Megane cabriolet.... don't know much about cars (I know the red ones are faster)

4. Meet women that have at least one personality
I mean call me wierd but this hourly change thing..."I love you I want to rip your face off thing" doesn't appeal to me. Its me not you crap.... can I get a whoop whoop here. Thank you

5. Take my dog Ozzy for more walks
My best friend, my main man, Oz is the dude. A gentle giant of a boerboel thats scared of dog biscuits. (yeah I know - he is hungry) I'll post a pic of him soon - almost as good looking as his owner

6.Take up scuba diving
yep, really really wanna do it. Only cause i wear a cool suit and get to strap on a knife. I'd probably end up looking like an anorexic Rambo. No wait....if the gym thing pays off.... God Ill look good. (shit now I have that worry about the Blog groupies again)

7. Finish my graphic novel
So I've been figuring out Maya and various other 3d apps, started creating a film. However there is too much involved, so I've changed it to a graphic novel. Once it out sells Harry Potter, someone else can make the movie. (I'll be posting all details of it as it comes together - gonna rock)

8. Take up some hobbies
another resolution where you come into play. Suggest me some. I'm not into knitting or line dancing, but most other things will do. Last year the hobby was drinking, every morning i'd forget. Cut down now, only going to drink on days ending in Y.

9. Get my sites up and running
Just before the end of last year I bought a shitload of Domains for some plans I have. (I guess you thought I was going to put all those plans in this paragraph... yes I'm that stupid) Oh and just as a warning I will be plugging them here. Watch this space.

10. Travel More
so far I've done florida and New York. London and Manchester. Secunda and Standerton. There are plans on the table to do Vietnam this year.... my love you long time GI. Just want to go there and do willem Dafoes drop to the knees move. (Secretly I'm out there to find some missing in action dudes that still think the war is on) - thats actually such bullshit that, i mean how dumb can you be to think the war is still on... they have cell phones, call em!! or srop an sms or something... Frank, war is over, come home. I mean if you really want to explain it...MMS, shit i digress.

11. Time Management
well if i'm going to fit all that shit in I have to make a plan right? I think another bad habit to be corrected in this section would be procastination - but I'll do that tomorrow. (Hahahahaha....god these jokes just keep coming! - I'm here till thursday, try the fish)

so I think thats it for now, maybe theres more but we shall see how it goes.

And now a tradition i would like to put on this blog, a couple cool links for you to look at. Now I don't just put any links here, these have to pass through a very high quality test.
check these out :
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty
http://70.84.131.212/data/toons/annoy.swf

thats it for now kids, speak to you soon.
Be safe out there.
Stay in school

think another resolution is learning to press shift when typing "I"
Shit, just lit a smoke

Article reproduced with permission from TashiTagg.com